My indecision is final:
That was the title of a book my best friend Elaine gave me when we were in High School. Films and the English...My two favorite things. I think about that moment in time, seems so long ago now...but we had such plans! We were gonna make it big together in NYC!!! There was no stopping us; sadly, my actions and crazy antics did. But it is never too late to me a change, or to finish that last chapter, never too late to dream those once impossible dreams. She and I have talked a time or two about those days..and I believe we will still make the trek to NYC, even if its “Just Because”, for that’s important, deep down inside , that childhood hope is still alive somehow.
The world can be very cruel, it can steal dreams away so fast, crush hope and make our souls feel old with desires of youth...(which always reminds me of a favourite episode of mine, from Twilight Zone. “Kick The Can” ) Youth isn’t always spoiled on the young, sometimes you just have to believe in magic a little, and all that once was can be again.
So here I am in Sunny California, late at night, homeless, typing on my out-dated laptop in a Laundromat , hoping someone out there bothers to read this shit now and then...I always believed in the magic of Hollywood, always! Hollywood was always a place I was gonna live, gonna make a difference, but Hollywood, well folks, she can be a very cruel mistress, almost meaner than Lady Luck herself. I still see this dilapidated city through the eyes of a child that fell in love with Old Hollywood...its the only place that still holds that small t of magic for me, other than Mother England. I still know where I will live out my golden years and die...in a 3 story white English cottage on a hillside in Portsmouth England, with a bunch of dogs and cats and birds and hopefully my children will visit me, and my best friend will call on me now and again. I will have a summer in Greece as well before I die, I ay this because it will happen. I will live on the coast of Maine, and meet a handsome fisherman that I wont be able to love because I can’t stand smells that aren’t pleasant...LOL, and I will have all these things I always knew I wanted in my youth...even though my life is slipping fast away for me. I will see my best friend Tonoccus before I die as well, one more hug from that handsome devil! The godfather to my children...My best friend Elaine and I will probably eventually grow old laughing together at the silliness we all went through over the years, because that’s what old ladies do...bitch and moan about what used to happen back in the day! Oddly, through all the pains, loss, torture, and sadness, deceit and travels...I still believe in miracles and in dreams come true...because even though my life has been a very hard one, I have never failed to do what I so hoped to do in my life. Every dream I have ever had has come true so far, maybe not in the manner I had once hoped for, but I have lived a very full and rich life, a life most would only dream of themselves.
Today I took a ghetto shower in the bathroom of a grocery store, after buying food and gas with what little money I had available that was given kindly by someone I do call friend. I haven’t asked much of the people i know lately, I have hoped someone would care enough about me to offer me a couch or a real shower, but no one has, and those that I asked, well, they refused me. So I gave up asking. I know very few truly good souls in the world, but boy am I privileged beyond words to have those souls be in my life, so thank you to Junita and her wife, Noccus and Elaine, and y Frog Donkey clan...Jon and assorted group of others. You are blessings that I cannot replace in my life, nor would I ever want to. Thank you.
So for tonight, thank you Hollywood, for at least you made a few dreams come true. I would love to stay but doubt that I will since there seems to be no true kindness left here, or at least not enough to notice anymore, but I think I’d rather remember Hollywood through the eyes of that child that sees you as you once were in your glory days, than ho you are today...so that way you always live forever in such beauty. Hollywood is Forever.